Tim, You Can Sing?
by Penchant-for-raising-Cain
Summary: A oneshot on how a human Timcanpy obtains a fantastic singing voice - involving a Fat Ass, hot cross buns and Kanda's foul mouth. ::Human! Timcanpy, attempted crack, two instances of foul language::


Tim, You Can Sing?

**CherriAme and I were talking, and we thought that Chaoji's seiyuu is a waste. Why give Mamoru Miyano (amazing voice) to a character like Chaoji? Anyone who has heard this guy sing would know that his talents are being wasted behind a Fat Ass. Oh yeah, Chaoji fans – don't read this and then flame me. Anyways, she said that Timcanpy should own that gorgeous voice. So, out came this!**

**Warning: Attempted crack. Language (blame Kanda.)**

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* * *

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Chaoji made his way to the dining hall, thinking of what to stuff his obese stomach with. Jerry, who could hear the thudding of the monster exorcist's feet coming from the sixth floor, immediately put the shutters down. As Chaoji finally made it around the corner, his heart broke at the scene.

"No…food?"

He scanned the area, desperate to fill the vacuum that was his digestive system. Allen and his mountain of food came into his line of vision (unfortunately). _Devil spawn_, he thought – it took some effort. _I still can't forgive him for saving that Noah, but he has food!_

Allen was happily munching away at various different dishes, when he felt the ominous presence. He would've run at the sight – but this was his territory. No one can make Allen Walker leave his unfinished food in the dining hall without some bloodshed. The bench tilted slightly as Chaoji's fat ass plonked himself at the end. His eyes were shining, only looking at the tender meats and sweet desserts. He made a reach for a chicken drumstick.

Allen was not taking going to go down that easily. He easily slapped away the pudgy hand, frowning at the man's impolite behaviour. _I'll humiliate him_, Black Allen thought.

"Chaoji, I'm afraid no one can take away my food without payment," Allen started.

"Payment?" Chaoji said. He reached inside his pocket and offered lint.

Allen shook his head, and continued his evil plan, "No, that will not do. Chaoji, you must sing to get that drumstick."

"But, I haven't sung since…" Chaoji's eyes welled up.

He immediately sobbed into the table, crying, "Anita-sama! Mahoja-sama! Everyone!"

_Great, not that again_, Allen rolled his eyes. He reached out a tentative hand and patted the flesh called 'Chaoji's Back'. After a few minutes, the man wiped his nose and started to sing:

_Me wo tojite, kimi wo omotta,  
Ima wa, tooku ni iru kedo,  
Kagayaita hibi, mune ni kizande,  
Aenai toki no, yasashii melody._

Allen dropped his fork. He was half expecting Chaoji to sing a rendition of _"Anita-sama! Mahoja-sama! Everyone!"_ in a very off-key tone…but not this. This was an angel voice, singing perfect Japanese. And the man wasn't even Japanese! He hazily handed over the drumstick to the overjoyed Chaoji.

* * *

**Later, in Allen's room…**

"This is an outrage," Allen said to Timcanpy, whilst pacing up and down his room.

Timcanpy took the hint, and changed into his human form. Ruffling his short platinum blonde hair into place, he summoned some tea, sat down and poured it. Allen looked back at the human golem. _See, this is the figure that suits that heavenly voice!_ Allen thought. Timcanpy looked up at his still master, his wide golden eyes expectant. After receiving no response, the golem stood and dusted off his tailored coat.

"What was such an outrage, Allen?" he asked. The words chimed like the notes of the 14th's song.

_Even his speaking voice suits Chaoji's singing_, Allen mused. He sat down on his bed, propping his head on one hand.

"Chaoji Han has an interesting singing voice," Allen said, "Very beautiful."

Timcanpy raised an eyebrow. "Is that it, Master?"

Allen switched to his thinking position – he leaned forward and pressed the tips of his fingers together. After a few minutes of intense thought, an evil smile crept up his face. Timcanpy could hear the wolves howling in terror from just looking at it. Allen clicked his fingers, transforming Timcanpy back into a golem.

"Time to set the trap," Allen muttered as he took the golem into his hand.

* * *

**Even later, on a random Black Order corridor…**

_Food. Food. I smell food._

Chaoji's brain told him to think those words as his nose followed an alluring scent. And there it was – a steaming hot cross bun, just sitting there on the ground. Chaoji picked it up and rammed it into his mouth. He had hardly finished it before spotting another one. Soon, he was following a clever hot cross bun trail, inhaling the baked goods like no tomorrow. Finally, he picked up the last one. Once he had finished it, he frowned. The smell was still there. _It's coming from in there!_ Chaoji thought.

He burst through the door, and got down on all fours to scoop up the tempting bun. Only when the food was making its way towards his storage of blubber did he notice the array of people watching him. Komui Lee sat at his desk, looking a bit sick. Allen, with Timcanpy circling his head, had the smile a Devil's Spawn should. Lenalee Lee just fidgeted, rocking from side to side. And the man who hauled Chaoji to his feet and roughly strapped him into a chair had the look of pure murder.

"Brother Kanda! Are you here to get me more food?" Chaoji asked happily.

Kanda gave his 'reserved-for-the-Fat-Ass' glare. Any normal person would have flown south for the winter under that look, but Chaoji was nowhere near normal. He kept looking at the Japanese exorcist with that stupid smile on his face. _Damn this man to hell_, Kanda thought violently.

"Brother Kanda?" he asked again.

Kanda growled, "Shut up, Fat Ass."

The now-christened Fat Ass fell silent. Komui then leapt up, a mysterious bottle with liquid inside in hand. He nodded to Allen, who asked Timcanpy to transform. Fat Ass's eyes widened as he watched the golem turn into the handsome human. _Just like a manga_, he thought. _My life should be a manga. I'll call it Chaoji. Yeah, that's cool._

"Greeting, Chaoji," Timcanpy said with a plastic smile, "I'm so glad you could join us."

Fat Ass started looking from side to side, exclaiming, "Party? Party? Party?"

_WHACK!_ Kanda subdued the shouting with a hit to the man's thick skull.

"I said shut up, Fat Ass. Or I'll fucking skewer you," Kanda hissed, promising pain with every syllable.

Timcanpy came closer, close enough for Fat Ass to be able to see the detail of his coat. If his hands were free, he would try it on. Kanda pinched Fat Ass's big nose rather hard and Komui quickly dropped the liquid into his mouth. He gulped and shuddered at the unpleasant taste. _Cough. Cough_. _Something is coming up my throat!_ Fat Ass thought, alarmed. _Cough! Cough!_

A small purple pellet dropped out of Fat Ass's retching mouth. Lenalee picked it up, wearing gloves. A little repulsed, she handed it to Timcanpy. The golem looked to Allen, who by now was itching to reveal his evil scheme.

"Oh, you're wondering about this are you?" Allen started, pointing at the pellet, "Well, rest assured you have not been harmed as such. We just took your singing voice."

"At my request, Komui concocted a special potion which separates the ability of song from the ability of speech from the vocal chords. You can still speak, unfortunately. But you will never be able to sing."

"But-but why?" Fat Ass sobbed.

"I believed that Timcanpy, who had been a real asset to the Black Order, unlike you, deserved a special gift," Allen's voice grew softer in fondness for his long time companion.

"In other words," Kanda said, "We all fucking hate you, Fat Ass."

And at those eloquent words, Tim slipped the little object down his throat. After a few minutes, Komui said to try it out. Timcanpy hesitantly opened his mouth, and sung:

"_Kyou mo mata hitori koko ni tatazumi tada sora o miageru  
tsumetai kaze ni kokoro furuete boku wa ugokenakute_

_mabuta ni nokotta itsuka no egao ha_  
_katasumi ni saku ichirin no hana_  
_karenai you ni namida de uruoshiteita_

_kimi no koe ga kikoenakute kikoenakute kurikaesu omoi_  
_ne? kienaide maboroshi de ii kara ne? hata ni itte_  
_boku o dakishimete ano hi no mama_

_hito wa dare mo ga itoshisa, kanashimi kasaneawase nagara_  
_yagate kokoro ni mozaiku no you na ai o egaite yuku_

_bokura no deai wa machigai datta no ?_  
_koboreochita ni nin no kakera wa_  
_ima demo mada, kasuka ni kagayaiteiru_

_boku no koe ga kikoemasu ka ? koko ni iru yo kimi o omotteiru_  
_kono namida ga sora he maiagari_  
_kimi no moto he furisosogeba ii shiroku tooku ?_

_kisetsuhazure no awai yuki tachi ga itetsuita sora ni mai chitteru_  
_onaji sora o kimi mo ima miteru no kana_  
_bokura wa mada tsunagatteru kana_

_kimi no koe ga kikoenakute kikoenakute kurikaesu omoi_  
_ne? kienaide shiroku furitsumotte yo ne? hata ni itte_  
_kono yuki no you ni_

_boku no koe ga kikoemasu ka ? koko ni iru yo kimi o omotteiru_  
_a aitakute mouichido dake de ii kimi ni aitai_  
_negai ga kanau nara tada aitai."_

The room was stunned into silence, except for Fat Ass sobbing in the emo corner. Then everyone erupted into applause, even Kanda half heartedly applauded.

And poor Fat Ass could never sing again.

* * *

**Well…that was random. But, I said I'd do it, and I did! I hope you're happy CherriAme…the songs are Mamoru Miyano songs - the first one is 'Kimochi Tsunaide' and the second one is 'Refrain'. They are brilliant, you should listen to them! :)**

**Reviews on attempted crack will be awesome. Best wishes – Tsuki Yume**


End file.
